A Family And A First

Stop the presses!  While in a Kroger parking lot, I found her!

She is not a mom who drives around little soccer players in this minivan...she is literally a mom who plays soccer!!!  Get it, Goalie Mom!

A Family And...Whoops, I Got Serious

Regardless of who you voted for this past week, I think the one thing we can all agree on is this: THANK GOD that election is over! Coming from a person whose main hobby is snark, if I saw one more freaking snarky political TV commercial I was going to lose it.  And if you contributed any money to the campaigns of either of the candidates, you ought to be pissed. I think 2/3 of their money went into sending mail to Ohioans...and every piece I got from both sides went straight from my mailbox to my trash can. Valuable lesson of the day: There are useful, productive ways to spend your money and giving it to politicians is not one of them.

Anyway...as the proud "straight wife" (as he calls me) to my own "gay husband", I like that at the end of the day, these guys have the freedom to put a gay sticker family on their car, just the same as I have the freedom to blog about it, and you have the freedom to think whatever you want about it, as well.

Here's the great thing about America: Your right to dislike this sticker family can coexist with their right to have it. The fact that everyone is different is what makes us awesome.

So rather than hating or loving this sticker family, let's all just take one second and be happy that we all have freedom to think, write, say and do what we want. When it's all said and done, America is a badass place to live. There are civil ways to disagree about stuff without all the hate; you can believe your thing without disrespecting someone else's thing.  The louder you shout, the less people hear you.  Second valuable lesson of the day: History clearly shows us that anger fixes nothing, but everyone doing their part to look past differences and work together is a solid start.

Whoops...I just got serious. Eeeeek! Sorry, back to being snarky.

A Family I Was Reunited With

No one should have to endure my snark once, let alone twice.  But to their misfortune, I was recently reunited with the Feeley Family (or as it looks now, the E Family).  If you don't remember the Feeleys, you can quickly check back to the first time I spotted them in "A Family With Jazz Hands" here.  Columbus, Ohio is no NYC, but it's big enough that the odds of a sticker family blogger ending up behind the same vehicle with a weird sticker family more than once have to be pretty low.

I'm happy to see that the Feeleys didn't stop dancing and that those sassy jazz hands are still intact!  I said this the first time but I'm thinking it again...anyone else hear a showtune playing in the background?

A Family Who Let Me Down

Wait...you wouldn't happen to want me to spay/neuter my pet, or adopt a pet, or take in a rescue pet, or visit www.petfinder.com would you???  Because I'm having a really hard time figuring out what the main interest in your life is.

I bet all you readers got lost in the haze of bumper stickers and didn't even see lonely little Fluffy up there in the top right corner, did you?  I have to admit, I am let down by these people... I mean, if I ever expected a TRUE cat lady sticker family, it would be on this car.  But the driver of this Animal Rescue Transport Vehicle has surprised me by (supposedly) only having one cat.  I guess you can't judge a person's crazy pet-owning tendencies by their cat license plate or their million bumper stickers or the back of their crazy car.

NOTE: My mom has been a big contributor of pictures to this blog (it's heartwarming when your parents fully get behind all your snarky endeavors). But I think she needs special recognition for this one, since she ninja-ed (yes, ninja is a verb) up her neighbor's driveway to get a picture of this car in their garage. Truly sneaky!

A Family of Stormies

I intended to look a couple things up on the Internet about whether there is such a thing as a female Stormtrooper so I could make fun of those stupid bows, but instead I discovered two of the funniest Wiki pages ever.

First was Wookieepedia: The Star Wars Wiki, which has a staggering 98,000 pages on it.  I'm going to be honest...I was way too lazy and frankly uninterested to read the super long article about the history of Stormtroopers.  I did, however, catch one sentence that said that members of the Rebel Alliance SpecForce (whatever that is) use slang terms for Stormtroopers, such as "Bucket Heads" and "Stormies". And then I laughed.

The other website was Villains Wiki. The site says this about the "Stormies": 

• They are noted for having poor aim. Despite their professional military training and noticeable combat effectiveness against less important characters, they are incapable of seriously injuring or even hitting the main protagonists. They also appear unrealistically vulnerable despite their armor, falling down, apparently dead, from a single shot to the shoulder or abdomen. 

I'm no Star Wars expert, but that sounds about right. Let's get real -- if any of them were a remotely good shot, Darth would have been running that show with no problem.  The ratio of Stormies to Luke Skywalkers was approximately four billion to one, yet somehow they dropped like flies at the mere sight of Mark Hamill.

So why would someone want to portray themself, their spouse and their children as nerdy villains with poor military training and plastic heads, you ask?  Great question, fellow sticker family hater. I have no idea.

A Family of Giant Money-Wasters

I don't remember someone hiring me to draw stick people with my left hand that would then be manufactured and sold as car accessories, but apparently that happened at some point.  I'll be getting tested for short-term memory loss at my next doctor's appointment.

Speaking of doctors... Dad, your body is made of a giant red tie.  Might want to get that checked out.

If we use typical sticker family logic on this one and the order goes Mom, Dad, Daughter #1, Daughter #2, then someone needs to tell me immediately why Daughter #2 is drinking a martini.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to point out that these are THE MOST GIANT STICKERS EVER.  Or that THEY ARE ON THE BACK OF A FRIGGIN ESCALADE.  So basically these people spent like $70,000 on a car and immediately covered up 40% of their back window with what I am comfortable calling the most hideous stickers in existence.  If they have extra money laying around that they're looking to waste, I need a new couch...

A Family And Why I'm Single

This is why I'm 28 and single.  

Because every guy my age is one of the following:

• Married
• Divorced with a crazy ex-wife
• The father to a couple illegitimate kids
• The father to a couple legitimate kids with the crazy ex-wife
• Living in his parents' basement
• The kind of guy who is nice, has a good job and is possibly even handsome, but wants to put stickers of a bride, a groom and seven pets on the back of his Acura

It also may or may not be because I am way too picky, and I hate it when people touch my stuff or bother me on weekends.

A Family And A Grumpy Husband

I do not condone domestic violence at all.  However, if my spouse put a sticker family on our car and chose to represent me with Grumpy the dwarf, I may or may not punch her in the sticker apron.  Or face.  Whichever.  But then I guess I'd just be proving her right about being a little cantankerous, eh?  It's really a lose-lose.

Also, did you know there is a car wash on virtually every corner in this country?  I swear! They even put them at gas stations now! You should check into that.

A Family Who Could've Been A Little More Clear

Something about this just isn't adding up for me.

If I go from left to right and follow typical sticker family logic, this is the best I can come up with:

• The french horn player is married to the nurse
• The chemist is a single dad to a tiny shopper daughter
• The airplane pilot is married to a mom with no interests, and they are parents to fraternal girl and boy twins
• The military member is married to a woman who likes to dance or run (not sure what that pose is)
• The chef is married to another interest-less mom, and they have a son who likes to shoot guns in backwards hats

Things this family could have been a little more clear about:

1. Since thirteen people can't fit in one minivan at the same time, whose car is this?  I can only assume it belongs to the french horn player, since he comes first.
2. It would have been really helpful if they separated out the families a little. Unless all of these people live together, Full House style. In which case I'm going to need to know which one Uncle Jesse is immediately.
3. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that the kid on the right isn't actually holding a gun.  But if you can find a french horn sticker, I think  you can find an activity sticker for a kid that doesn't look so much like a gun.

A Family And A Family Guy Reference

Have you ever seen the episode of Family Guy where they do a cutaway to an episode of a nature show called Damn Nature! You Scary!?  No?  Well, if you're so inclined, you can watch it here.

The reason I bring this up is because when I saw this sticker family, with it's sassy little Sticker Mom, sweet little Sticker Daughters, and seemingly well-behaved little Sticker Pets, all I could think to say was, DAMN STICKER DAD! YOU SCARY!

A Family Who Took Sadness International

 

Fair warning: This post might make you sad.

This photo was taken for me by the sister of one of my best friends, who spends part of each year in Switzerland.  And you can easily tell I'm not lying about this once you note the size and shape of the license plate. I know...I was hoping it was fake, too.

Reasons I'm sad:

1. It's now official.  People the world over have embraced this misguided trend.

2. I thought it was just stupid Americans who thought it was okay to put the names of their family members on the back of their cars.  But alas, no. Coming from someone who has had her identity stolen, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

3. The kid on the far right either has a pointy goatee or his tongue sticking out, which instantly makes these people cooler than any American sticker family I have ever seen. We just can't keep up. Sigh.

4. I've never been to Europe.  Unrelated, yes, but it still makes me sad.

A Family With Wonder Woman At The Helm (Twice)

Is that a cape you're wearing, Mom?  And are those magic bracelets, a la Wonder Woman?  Well, I wouldn't be very snarky if I didn't have something to say about that.

I just did some thorough research on the subject (and by "thorough research" I mean I googled a couple things about Wonder Woman), and thanks to Wikipedia and a few Wonder Nerds on other websites, I now have all the comedy material I need for this post.

Wikipedia lists Wonder Woman's abilities as the following:

• Superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance
• Flight (only after 1960)
• Superior hand-to-hand combatant
• Empathy
• Healing factor
• Resistance to Magic
• Access to Magical Weaponry such as Lasso of Truth and indestructible bracelets

So, here is my list of how I can deduce from the stickers that Wonder Mother uses said abilities:

• She obviously needs the superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance to keep up with her football star son and her football coach husband. They are clearly superstar athletes not to be contended with.
• What mother doesn't need to fly?  There are football practices to be on time for, and casseroles to be made!!! Thank God it's after 1960 so this ability is applicable to modern Wonder Mothers.
• I can only assume her superior hand-to-hand combat skills are used to put school bus bullies in their place.
• As for empathy... I am going to agree with this one.  All mothers need (and most put to use) a superhero's ability to empathize with their children.
• Friendly suggestion: You need to use the Healing Factor on your scrawny, dirty dog.
• Resistance to Magic, clearly, is used to ward off unwanted spells from other Wonder Mothers.
• Well, thank God she has access to Magical Weaponry, because who knows where Wonder Family would be without that.  But the Lasso of Truth sounds like something I got spanked with when I was little.  I have to admit, though, that indestructible bracelets do sound pretty handy...

{It's important for me to note before I go any further that my mother was a stay-at-home mom while I was growing up, so I'll be the first to tell you that it is an actual job.  Between school stuff, having generally difficult personalities, and requiring her constant attention for a wide array of other demanding activities, my siblings and I were total pains in the ass. To stay-at-home moms: I think what you do is admirable, and you're making the life/lives of your child(ren) way more awesome by raising them yourself.  I do not, however, think you have superhuman agility or superior hand-to-hand combat skills because of it. Sorry.}

Alright, hold on tight people, because this next part is about to blow your minds.  After looking at several pages of images of Wonder Woman, I realized that none of them showed her in a cape, the way Wonder Mother portrays herself. So I googled the phrase, "Does Wonder Woman wear a cape?".  And here is what I got from a user named rorschachvigilante on Yahoo!Answers:

• Wonder Woman wears a cape during Royal events on home island of Themyscaria, as she is the Amazon Princess Diana. She also wears one during very important events in the United States. In the Elseworlds graphic novel, Kingdom Come, she wore a cape, helmet, and body armor, along with a magical sword, during an important battle. (Also, this magical sword can cut Superman.)  Ordinarily, she doesn't wear a cape, BUT, during special events and battles, she will.

I'll admit I didn't do any extra research to back up rorschachvigilante's claims, but let's be honest here - anyone who takes the time to answer something that thoroughly and readily knows (and can spell) the name of Wonder Woman's home island probably has some street cred in the world of comic book nerds.

So, if Wonder Woman only wears a cape during special events and battles, does that make Wonder Mother's daily life a battle?  If so, football practice and casseroles must be a bitch nowadays.  Or is she just constantly attending "Royal events" on her home island of Themyscaria as Amazon Princess Diana? I hope it's the latter. That sounds like the life.

Well, Wonder Mother, I think you may be overestimating your life duties just a smidge.  Oh, and:

1. Your husband looks like a child.  (What is with all the pervy moms and their child-like husbands?)

2. You son's haircut looks like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy (which, in my snarky little world, is kind of a compliment since I consider that one of the funniest movies ever made -- but trust that I don't mean it as a compliment).

3. YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A PRINCESS.

4. How do you think your non-princess daughter feels, standing next to a princess in her little sundress, all crown-less and everything?  You're mean.

5. Feed and bathe your damn dog.

We've got another Wonder Mother here!  Since I've already bored you (and myself) with detailed and wordy facts about Wonder Woman, I'll simply give you my list of how I can deduce from these stickers that she uses her superpowers:

• This Wonder Mother needs her superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance to chase around her five active kids, especially little Karate Kid Daniel Son over there.  Use that superhuman agility to keep that kid in check!
• Another use for her superhuman strength is to care for what appears to be the Galapagos Tortoise that they are keeping as a pet.
• Well, with a friggin bird as another pet, I'm sure flying is something she has to do regularly to catch that thing and clean up all the weird places it poops.
• That daughter looks like she might be a teenager, and if she is anything like I was as a teen, Wonder Mother's hand-to-hand combat skills are probably used on a regular basis.
• I think this Wonder Mother's power of Healing Factor is a little off...looks like the bunny bit the dust (if that is supposed to be a sticker halo?).
• Resistance to Magic must be to ward off the unwanted advances from her weird-looking (but, thankfully, age appropriate) husband.  Short sleeves with a tie? Come on. Is he Michael Bolton on Office Space?
• I think the Magical Weaponry needs to be put to work to give Lacrosse Kid (gender undetermined) a haircut.  It looks like it would take some magic to fix those crazy bangs.

*PLEASE NOTE HERE THAT I DON'T KNOW THE PROTOCOL FOR CITING SOMETHING ON A BLOG, IF THERE IS ANY, SO I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOVE IF I GOT INFORMATION FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE. SO DEAL WITH IT.

A Family Lacking Supervision

I think this pair of confused dogs wants to know the same things I do: Is your kid holding a $#@&ing beer?!  And is your other kid one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

The lack of parental supervision (both in sticker life and real life) is pretty apparent here.

A Family From Hollywood

Good news, movie buffs!  They now make stickers for obscure movie characters from the 1980s (as evidenced by Beetlejuice with the shrunken head on the far right...who can apparently also palm a basketball with a stick arm and no fingers)!

A Family Who's Doing It Wrong

I mean, I'm not like an expert at sticker families or anything, but........wait.  Yes I am.

And since I am so qualified, I can say to this family without a doubt that when it came to applying these stickers...you're doing it wrong.

A Family That's...My Family?

When my friend sent this photo to me, I was momentarily concerned that she had time-warped back to 1993 and found my mother's minivan. Two parents and three kids represented by characters from the original Super Mario Bros. Nintendo game (one of four games my family owned on the first and only gaming system we ever had)? But then I realized the minivan wasn't shaped like a giant cardboard box and wasn't a deep, flat shade of maroon.  So I began breathing again.

First of all, hell yes Princess Peach comes first in the order of this family.  She was my little pixelated 1990s BFF.  Any girl who ever played that game and says she didn't wish she had that awesome pink princess dress is a damn liar.

And even though it sucked to play as him, who else feels bad for Luigi? Since I was the youngest of the three kids in my family, I was always Luigi. I hated those stupid green overalls. Mario is so much cooler.  There is basically no use in even saving Princess Peach if you're playing as Luigi.  She is in love with Mario.  Obviously.

So although I have to say that the people in this family are inherent tools for putting a sticker family on their car, this one brought me to a state of pleasant nostalgia so I don't hate them very much.  But I do want Mario to jump onto one of the mushroom kids and grow into that adult-like, taller version of Mario so he is as least a size that is comparable to his regal, princess wife.

A Family With Short Man Syndrome

Well, Dad...it's clear you want to be the center of attention here.  So let's just get right to the reasons why I would like to punch you in the trachea:

1. Isn't part of the reason that a man wants to be a bodybuilder because he wants the rest of the world to think he's a badass? Because any badass points you may earn by being a bodybuilder (which are basically nil to begin with) are completely lost (and then some) by having these stickers on any car your family owns. In badass points, you are in the red, my friend.

2. That early '90s hairstyle. You look like Vanilla Ice.  Or DJ Jazzy Jeff.

3. Your hands that are made of play dough.

4. The fact that you dress your sticker kid in a sticker Superman shirt. Between your sticker six-pack and his superhero attire, this leads me to believe that you both have confidence issues that you're overcompensating for. Do I smell a little Short Man Syndrome in this family? 

5. The way that you may as well have just left your wife's and dog's stickers off the car altogether. If you were at a store that sold stickers as detailed as a bodybuilder dad and a superman-shirt-wearing son, you could have come up with something better than a boring, nondescript mom and dog.  Dick.

The good news for you, jerk Dad, is that these sticker families are getting more and more complex and detailed every day.  So, sooner or later, I'm sure someone will make a steroid needle sticker accessory to go along with that sweet sticker of your awesome body. Make sure to keep your boring wife on the lookout for it.

A Family Who Needs A Good Ophthalmologist (Part II)

Okay...deep breath......and.............go:

Dad: Why are you wearing a shirt and no pants? Why are you giving us the "aloha" hand sign? And where the hell is your second eye?

Mom: Why are you staring at me with the eyes of a Chucky doll?  And why do you have the mouth of Kool-Aid Man (yes, that is his official name, says Wikipedia...whatever credit that is good for)?  I'm expecting you to bust through a brick wall any second and yell, "Oh yeah!"  And the thing we all really want to know is: where in the world are your shopping bags?

Daughter: Why is your hair the pure definition of bonkers?  And why are you squinting?  I have the distinct feeling that you could use a little pair of sticker sunglasses. Not that they would fit on your head around that unforgivable hair.

Son #1: Besides not wearing a shirt and missing a piece of your face, I am choosing to leave you alone.

Son #2: Where is your shirt? Why are you sticking your tongue out at us?  And, for the second time in this family, I have to ask: where the crap are your eyes??!


Dear Family,

As there are serious ophthalmological issues evident here, I have typed up a list of several top-notch specialists for you.  If you ever see this and find me, I will be happy to pass it along for the nominal fee of removing this offensive eyesore from the back of your car.

Sincerely,
Carrie

A Family of Birds

This is what happens when Scuttle from The Little Mermaid and the Aflac duck have babies all over your rear windshield.

A Family With A Kid I Feel Bad For

My fiery hatred for Disney stickers aside, this family leaves me concerned.  

Did they think we wouldn't notice that they have two moms?  I hate to go down the polygamy road again so soon (since we just visited it in A Family of Polygamists), but where else could my mind go?  

And is she a Soccer Mom, or a mom who plays soccer?  

And why do only three of the five pets of this (blended?) family like Disney?  

And who else feels bad for this (gender undetermined) kid?  One dad, two moms, four cats and a dog? What the hell is that about?

A Family Where Sticker Gloves Are Good For Something

Hey Mom...There's bird $h*t flying over your head.

Actually, don't worry about it.  Your sticker son is going to catch it in his sticker glove.  But you were prepared anyway, with your sticker sunglasses, your sassy sticker dress and your little sticker purse to head right back to the mall and re-outfit your little sticker self.

Because all sticker moms do is shop. And that is a fact.

A Family With A Heart

We all know it takes heart to adopt a pet, especially a disabled pet.  Then to adopt not one, but TWO three-legged dogs basically makes these people saints to the canine world.  Especially when you consider the extra care these animals must require since their third legs are actually enormous tumors protruding down from their necks.

I can't be sure, but I think a trip to the vet might be in order here.

A Family Who Got Lazy

What do you do when you get divorced, but you've got a sticker family on your car? You just scratch Dad off the windshield, of course.

What do you do when you get tired of scratching Dad off the windshield and feel the need to stop when you're halfway done? ...Eh, just leave it.  The rest of it will come off this winter when you're using the ice scraper on  your frozen Ohio windows. No biggie.

A Family Who's Out Of Order

I have some questions for this sticker manufacturer:

1. Is that leash a separate sticker, or does it come with the dog?

2.  Why do you make some dog stickers that are (comparatively) cute, and others that looks like emaciated, rabid, confused mutts that no one would ever keep as a pet?  (Side question for Single Mom: Why would you ever buy said terrible dog stickers?)

3. Why do you make stickers of grown women with their midriff showing? This is not the movie Clueless or the year 1994.

4.  Was the parrot honestly requested so frequently that you  had to make a sticker for it?  I know no one who owns a bird.

I also have one question/comment for Single Mom:

1. Why do you play favorites?  Because from what I see here, this is the list of things you value in life:

a) Your parrot

b) Your dog who misbehaves so frequently that even in sticker life he is on a tight leash

c) Your daughter (WHO IS NOT A &#@$ING PRINCESS)

d) Your first mangy mutt

e) Your second mangy mutt

I'll keep all my snarky guesses as to why you're a single mom to myself, but I will kindly suggest that it may be time to reexamine the order of your stickers.

A Family Who Took It Too Far (Twice)

Okay, we get it...you want to make a cat lady joke. Har har.

But I refuse to believe that any woman has either thirteen (top) or fifteen (bottom) cats all by herself.  Or rather, there are three reasons why I refuse to believe that either of these cars is actually owned by a woman who has thirteen or fifteen cats.

First, this is not a fact she would want to advertise (I hope).

Second, we have all seen an episode or two of Hoarders or another show documenting people who collect books or ketchup bottles or (God forbid) live animals.  And crazies like that are not nearly organized enough to purchase this many stickers and not lose them among a pile of antique saucepans and Duran Duran cassette tapes.  I mean, if she seriously had thirteen cats (one of whom resided on top of her head), she is never going to the store.  She gets pallets of kitty litter delivered straight to her home.  Which brings me to my final point...

Third, it's unlikely that she has a car, especially not a car that is relatively clean and where there is nary a bag of cat treats or a diamond-studded collar to be seen.

You took it too far, Family.   Had you kept it at ten cats or under and maybe thrown another human in there, you might have had us.  But as it is, your joke was a major fail.

A Family With A Princess (Twice)

Just because you might sometimes call your daughter "Princess" does not mean that she is actual royalty whose sticker needs to have a crown and a scepter.

Unless her legal, given name is Princess.  In which case I now have a whole new list of reasons to go full-on snark on you.

A Family Who...Really, Dad?

Really, Dad?  Your dog means more to you than your wife or any of your five children?

No, no. That's fine. Totally legit.

(As a side observation, can we please discuss whether Mom has crazy boobs or if that is a giant bow on her dress?)

A Family And Vrksasana (Thrice)

What do all three of these families have in common (besides their poor decision-making skills related to car accessory purchases)?  They show us that there is an apparent correlation between nondescript working dads, vrksasana and cheerleading.

Not much to say about the dads in all three of these families besides that they are identical and boring. The obligatory my-wife-bought-these-stupid-stickers smile, the tie, the briefcase...blah.  

But then we have the female in each family who loves yoga. As someone who does not do yoga, I felt like I needed to be thorough and do a little research on that particular position since all three women are doing the same thing. And every yoga website tells me that it is called vrksasana (uh, what?) or tree pose. So I think we can all agree that the third family did a serious disservice to yoga experts everywhere by putting Yoga Girl upside down.  That is clearly not an accurate portrayal of vrksasana. Duh.


And each family's trio is completed by a cheerleader daughter who has pigtails and pom-poms and is REALLYREALLYEXCITED.  The kind of little girl who never runs out of energy and bounces around on the back seat of a minivan talking for hours without taking a breath.  You know, the kind of little girl who gives me nightmares about parenthood.


So, does it follow that where there is a nondescript working dad, there is a woman who loves yoga, and where there is vrksasana there are little cheerleaders?  I guess we will never know for sure, but in Ohio, that would seem to be the case.

A Family Who Needs A New Car

Let's just clear this up.  You have twelve children and you drive a pickup truck.  So...you can fit three of them (tops) in the cab, and the rest of them can just ride in the truck bed?! Yeah, it's probably fine. Small, fragile children don't need seatbelts anyway.

A Family Of Polygamists (Twice)

I mean... I'm not like a math whiz or an obstetrician or anything like that, but I do know that the same woman can't have one child on 07/12 and have another child on 10/12.  That's sort of not how things work with the birds and the bees.  So my only logical conclusion is that this is Dad's car and he has two wives.  But I could have sworn that polygamy was illegal?!

Also, these people deserve to be called out for being a pedophile/predator's dream come true.  If I'm wrong and this isn't Dad's car, then a woman is driving.  And that woman is pregnant (very pregnant, because apparently she has two sets of reproductive organs with different due dates). And pregnant women can be easy prey for predators who want to get to Noah, Madeline and Alexis.  Come on people. Let's use some common sense. You don't need to make this any easier for the crazies than it already is.

Here are two distinctly separate families on the same car...but Dad is wearing the same outfit in both, which I can only assume means Dad is the same in both families.  Looks like Wife #2 was a little more fertile (not to mention produced more talented kids!) than Wife #1.

A Family With A Helper

With seven kids and two pets, I'm not surprised that these people need a nanny or a live-in grandmother to help manage all the bike-riding, dancing, shopping, golfing, balloon-holding and poop-scooping.

And, as that nanny or live-in grandmother, while I might appreciate being acknowledged at all, I'm not sure how I would feel about it being announced to the world that I rank dead last in the pecking order of humans in the household.

A Family With Bad Manners

Does anyone else feel like all five of these people are giving us the finger (especially that horrible little baby)?

Screw you too, stick family!

A Family of Jedi: The Snark Strikes Back

Again, I am making what I hope is a sufficient attempt at protecting the privacy of the utterly nerdy.  But again, I am hoping you can figure out the missing letter on this license plate and join me with a hearty, "Seriously?"

I might (MIGHT) be able to overlook Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker's appearances on the back of this car.  But I definitely spy an ewok on there, and I certainly cannot forgive this woman for shamelessly walking into a BMV and getting that ridiculous license plate. I just can't do it.  

I almost feel bad for them.  In the way that I want to show them that there are so many fun things to do in the world that don't involve sitting in front of a television for like FOUR HOURS to watch a movie that was made totally out of order with the rest of the series, or fighting with pretend light sabers.

A Family Of Kayaking Homo Sapiens

So, we evolved from being monkeys and walking on our knuckles, to walking with terrible posture and having an ape face, to walking like we're sneaking around in a horror movie, to still having an ape face and inventing a knife, to finally becoming people and inventing a spear, to... kayaking?  Right. Makes total sense.

A Family Is Born

A good friend of mine found the place where the families are born....... And apparently that place is Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Every time a mom spins this rack and picks out a sticker, a middle-school kid somewhere gets a little less cool.

A Family Where Fluffy Is In Charge

Typically when families make the questionable choice to put one of these on their car, they place the stick figures from left to right in order of who is either biggest, oldest, or in charge.

So in this family, I guess this means that Fluffy is boss. Which is pretty legit, if we get real about it and acknowledge that the fourth person in line here scoops up the poop of the first three.

A Family Where The Wife Wears The Pants (And The Giant Shoes)

First of all, Husband is a hot mess.  His poor little stick shoulder is poking out the top of the t-shirt, so that must be a separate sticker?!  Which means that these people could have picked any outfit they wanted and that's what they chose.  And why is he wearing sweatpants with the elastic ankles? (I'm having flashbacks to A Family I Want To Punch In The Face.)

Second, Wife looks like she could kick Husband's ass for sure. That's a female bodybuilder pose if I've ever seen one.  Aren't men supposed to be the ones with the upside-down triangle body shape?? And those FEET!  Sheesh! 

I have nothing to say about Maddie, however.  She seems perfectly nice.