Dad: Why are you wearing a shirt and no pants? Why are you giving us the "aloha" hand sign? And where the hell is your second eye?
Mom: Why are you staring at me with the eyes of a Chucky doll? And why do you have the mouth of Kool-Aid Man (yes, that is his official name, says Wikipedia...whatever credit that is good for)? I'm expecting you to bust through a brick wall any second and yell, "Oh yeah!" And the thing we all really want to know is: where in the world are your shopping bags?
Daughter: Why is your hair the pure definition of bonkers? And why are you squinting? I have the distinct feeling that you could use a little pair of sticker sunglasses. Not that they would fit on your head around that unforgivable hair.
Son #1: Besides not wearing a shirt and missing a piece of your face, I am choosing to leave you alone.
Son #2: Where is your shirt? Why are you sticking your tongue out at us? And, for the second time in this family, I have to ask: where the crap are your eyes??!
Dear Family,
As there are serious ophthalmological issues evident here, I have typed up a list of several top-notch specialists for you. If you ever see this and find me, I will be happy to pass it along for the nominal fee of removing this offensive eyesore from the back of your car.
Sincerely,
Carrie
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