A Family With A Princess (Twice)

Just because you might sometimes call your daughter "Princess" does not mean that she is actual royalty whose sticker needs to have a crown and a scepter.

Unless her legal, given name is Princess.  In which case I now have a whole new list of reasons to go full-on snark on you.

A Family Who...Really, Dad?

Really, Dad?  Your dog means more to you than your wife or any of your five children?

No, no. That's fine. Totally legit.

(As a side observation, can we please discuss whether Mom has crazy boobs or if that is a giant bow on her dress?)

A Family And Vrksasana (Thrice)

What do all three of these families have in common (besides their poor decision-making skills related to car accessory purchases)?  They show us that there is an apparent correlation between nondescript working dads, vrksasana and cheerleading.

Not much to say about the dads in all three of these families besides that they are identical and boring. The obligatory my-wife-bought-these-stupid-stickers smile, the tie, the briefcase...blah.  

But then we have the female in each family who loves yoga. As someone who does not do yoga, I felt like I needed to be thorough and do a little research on that particular position since all three women are doing the same thing. And every yoga website tells me that it is called vrksasana (uh, what?) or tree pose. So I think we can all agree that the third family did a serious disservice to yoga experts everywhere by putting Yoga Girl upside down.  That is clearly not an accurate portrayal of vrksasana. Duh.


And each family's trio is completed by a cheerleader daughter who has pigtails and pom-poms and is REALLYREALLYEXCITED.  The kind of little girl who never runs out of energy and bounces around on the back seat of a minivan talking for hours without taking a breath.  You know, the kind of little girl who gives me nightmares about parenthood.


So, does it follow that where there is a nondescript working dad, there is a woman who loves yoga, and where there is vrksasana there are little cheerleaders?  I guess we will never know for sure, but in Ohio, that would seem to be the case.

A Family Who Needs A New Car

Let's just clear this up.  You have twelve children and you drive a pickup truck.  So...you can fit three of them (tops) in the cab, and the rest of them can just ride in the truck bed?! Yeah, it's probably fine. Small, fragile children don't need seatbelts anyway.

A Family Of Polygamists (Twice)

I mean... I'm not like a math whiz or an obstetrician or anything like that, but I do know that the same woman can't have one child on 07/12 and have another child on 10/12.  That's sort of not how things work with the birds and the bees.  So my only logical conclusion is that this is Dad's car and he has two wives.  But I could have sworn that polygamy was illegal?!

Also, these people deserve to be called out for being a pedophile/predator's dream come true.  If I'm wrong and this isn't Dad's car, then a woman is driving.  And that woman is pregnant (very pregnant, because apparently she has two sets of reproductive organs with different due dates). And pregnant women can be easy prey for predators who want to get to Noah, Madeline and Alexis.  Come on people. Let's use some common sense. You don't need to make this any easier for the crazies than it already is.

Here are two distinctly separate families on the same car...but Dad is wearing the same outfit in both, which I can only assume means Dad is the same in both families.  Looks like Wife #2 was a little more fertile (not to mention produced more talented kids!) than Wife #1.

A Family With A Helper

With seven kids and two pets, I'm not surprised that these people need a nanny or a live-in grandmother to help manage all the bike-riding, dancing, shopping, golfing, balloon-holding and poop-scooping.

And, as that nanny or live-in grandmother, while I might appreciate being acknowledged at all, I'm not sure how I would feel about it being announced to the world that I rank dead last in the pecking order of humans in the household.

A Family With Bad Manners

Does anyone else feel like all five of these people are giving us the finger (especially that horrible little baby)?

Screw you too, stick family!

A Family of Jedi: The Snark Strikes Back

Again, I am making what I hope is a sufficient attempt at protecting the privacy of the utterly nerdy.  But again, I am hoping you can figure out the missing letter on this license plate and join me with a hearty, "Seriously?"

I might (MIGHT) be able to overlook Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker's appearances on the back of this car.  But I definitely spy an ewok on there, and I certainly cannot forgive this woman for shamelessly walking into a BMV and getting that ridiculous license plate. I just can't do it.  

I almost feel bad for them.  In the way that I want to show them that there are so many fun things to do in the world that don't involve sitting in front of a television for like FOUR HOURS to watch a movie that was made totally out of order with the rest of the series, or fighting with pretend light sabers.

A Family Of Kayaking Homo Sapiens

So, we evolved from being monkeys and walking on our knuckles, to walking with terrible posture and having an ape face, to walking like we're sneaking around in a horror movie, to still having an ape face and inventing a knife, to finally becoming people and inventing a spear, to... kayaking?  Right. Makes total sense.

A Family Is Born

A good friend of mine found the place where the families are born....... And apparently that place is Rehoboth Beach, Delaware.

Every time a mom spins this rack and picks out a sticker, a middle-school kid somewhere gets a little less cool.

A Family Where Fluffy Is In Charge

Typically when families make the questionable choice to put one of these on their car, they place the stick figures from left to right in order of who is either biggest, oldest, or in charge.

So in this family, I guess this means that Fluffy is boss. Which is pretty legit, if we get real about it and acknowledge that the fourth person in line here scoops up the poop of the first three.

A Family Where The Wife Wears The Pants (And The Giant Shoes)

First of all, Husband is a hot mess.  His poor little stick shoulder is poking out the top of the t-shirt, so that must be a separate sticker?!  Which means that these people could have picked any outfit they wanted and that's what they chose.  And why is he wearing sweatpants with the elastic ankles? (I'm having flashbacks to A Family I Want To Punch In The Face.)

Second, Wife looks like she could kick Husband's ass for sure. That's a female bodybuilder pose if I've ever seen one.  Aren't men supposed to be the ones with the upside-down triangle body shape?? And those FEET!  Sheesh! 

I have nothing to say about Maddie, however.  She seems perfectly nice.

A Family That's Not A Family

Has anyone ever told you that you're a huge tool?  No?  Well, then let me be the first.

(I apologize for posting something that's not a family.  But I hate this just as much, maybe more. And it's not just because Twilight is terrible and written at a third grade reading level.  It's also because you can't drive like a Cullen because THEY AREN'T REAL. Whoever invented this sticker needs a karate chop to the esophagus.)

A Family And A Happy Dance

When I first posted this one to Facebook, I was torn between having too many things to say and being utterly speechless that this woman honestly put this on her car. So, I let my friends caption it instead.  There were quite a few jokes about the pet thing/being a cat lady, ballet moves, virginity, and the last one was about a happy dance.  And with no man in her life to act like an ass and make everything twice as hard as it needs to be, I think a happy dance sounds about right. (Sorry guys...like I said, I'm a cynic.)

Oh, and a comment from one person said: "Obviously she's single and has a dog and two cats. Maybe she just likes animals better than men."

Obviously.  And I think you can all guess who obviously got unfriended shortly thereafter.

A Family That Agrees With Me (Twice)

I have zero snarky things to say about these.  Even though the guy in the hockey mask's murder methods vary, I guess he agrees with me about the sticker families!

A Family Of Aliens

Dear Mom of this family,

I would've loved to have been inside your head for the dialogue you had with yourself when making this purchase.  I can only guess it went something like this:

Well, the regular stick figures are too ordinary for us.  But we don't like Disney enough to buy Mickey Mouse heads, and we don't wear flip-flops... Wait! I know! I'll spend money to buy eleven stickers of tiny green aliens because we are so OUT OF THIS WORLD!

And because this may have been one of the worst decisions you ever made, I'm going to suggest you impose a mandatory shopping buddy on yourself for all future outings so they can put a stop to purchases like this. 

You're welcome.
Carrie

A Family Who Talks Too Much (Thrice)

If someone in your family talks on their cell phone so much that you felt the need to purchase an accessory sticker of a tiny cell phone and place it in their little sticker hand...I have a problem with you.

And if the person in your family who has this addiction is one of your kids, I'm calling you out right now on being a crappy parent. It might be time to reexamine what you're telling them is important, and also what family habits you choose to broadcast to the rest of the world.  Just a thought.

A Family That I Wish Had A Daughter

Yes, I am as distraught as you are that this exists.

A Family of Asses

At first I thought this was just an example of why some people should not be permitted to procreate.  Who would say things like that about their own kids?  But then I realized they thought they were being funny. (Wise Ass, Smart Ass, etc. ... The Ass Family)

Ha.........Ha.......................Ha.

Fail.

A Family with Cats...And Some Car Trouble?

So, I have been cropping out all the license plates to this point.  But since this particular one is key to why this woman needs a therapist, instead I covered the name of her state and one of the letters on the plate, which I'm hoping is sufficient in concealing her identity.  But I also really hope that you can infer what the missing letter is and echo my sentiment of "YOU HAVE TEN $%@#ING _ATS?!"

I am willing to put money down that the cat represented front and center is named Princess Sophia and only eats expensive canned food off a glass plate with a parsley garnish. And the cat at the top of the windshield is definitely one of the Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp. (I keep singing, "We are Siamese if you please...We are Siamese if you don't please..." in my head.)  The other two on the right side seem like total afterthoughts.  And (assuming Cat Lady up there on the left is holding two cats and not giving us two thumbs up), where are the other four cats?! They are important enough to make the license plate, but not the windshield? Looks like Cat Lady plays favorites.

Also... Does your Hyundai really give you enough trouble that you feel the need to have four AAA stickers on your car?

A Family of Split Personalities

It can be a tough decision to pick which sticker family is going to represent you to the rest of the world on the back of your car window. This family just couldn't make a choice. Are we a family of Pirate Mickeys? Or are we a family of flip-flops?

What if we choose the Pirate Mickeys and people don't infer our laid-back, vacation footwear personalities?

But what if we choose the flip-flops and they don't understand just how much we love Mickey Mouse, earrings and bandannas?

With earth-shattering choices like these, can you blame them for caving under the pressure and going with both?

A Family Who Brought Out The Cynic In Me

 

I admit that I am a horrible cynic, but...I feel the same way about this that I feel about how people talk about their relationships/marriages on Facebook: The more you tell me you're happy and try to convince me that you have the best life ever, the more I think you're probably a homicidal maniac. So, the fact that these people feel it's necessary to let all of us know that they are a happy family makes me pretty sure they are all miserable and hate each other.  I mean, clearly if anyone actually loved Dad they would have told him that overalls are not okay.  Not in real life, not in sticker life, not ever.  

You know that creepy dish at Chinese restaurants with everything in it - chicken, pork, beef, seafood, vegetables, maybe some noodles, etc? That dish that is made of basically everything they had left over, or that fell on the floor and they didn't want to throw away?  Well, that is called the Happy Family.  And my cynical self would bet that plate of salmonella is happier than these people.

A Family That Leaves Me With So Many Questions

I have to ask:

Is Dad wearing a unitard with patches and pockets? And what is in his hand?

Why does Mom have her hands on her hips and two babies hanging from her forearms?

Why does Mom have an afro?

Why is Mom wearing bellbottoms?

Is this a 1970s sticker family?

And, what the hell is that thing on the left? And why is there an animal on it?

A Family That Could Use A Grammar Refresher

My notes to the Robinson family:

a) The plural form of a last name never contains an apostrophe. Idiots.

b) You live in Ohio. It is not sunny enough for you to buy a sticker that wears sunglasses as though they are a daily accessory.

c) Your kid looks like a tiny terrorist. Seriously, is he Dennis the Menace?!

d) I would love to hear the reason for why you thought it was okay to put your last name on your car, as though identity theft isn't a rampant issue in this country.

A Family I'm Not Sure About

I'm not entirely sure where they're going with this one. It's one of two things:

1) She is seriously a stripper with no shame, in which case I'd like to chop off her perky little ponytail for putting this on her car.

2) This is a weird attempt at sticker family humor. It might be funnier, though, if the stripper had a pimp with her, or a pregnant belly or something.

A Family And A Fish (Twice)

I have never seen a goldfish before, then I see two in one day: one sent to me by a friend in St. Louis, MO and I caught a zombie goldfish later that afternoon in Columbus, OH.

Where do we draw the line with these things? Guinea pigs? Ant farms? Pet rocks?

A Family And A Disney Divorce

What do you do when Disney-loving dad walks out on Disney-loving mom, kid and pets?  Just scratch his sticker off the minivan window with your fingernail and leave sad remnants of your Disney-loving marriage behind, of course.

Also: NOT including scratched-off Dad, I count 11 sets of Mickey Mouse ears on this car. Unacceptable.

A Family That Missed Sex Ed Class

Your string of 13 children goes up and over the windshield wiper? 

I guess I only have one question for you: Did you know that Planned Parenthood gives out free condoms?

A Family With A Really Mean Mom

Considering everyone else's face and hair looks like it was drawn by a kindergartener with an extra fat crayon, I think it's a safe bet to say that Mom purchased these stickers.

A Family Of Rule-Breakers

Sure, they will put stickers of a mom, a dad, a kid, 4 cats and 1 dog on their car.  But they will not, under any circumstances, put them in order at the bottom of the window.  Because that would make them conformists.

Alternate caption because I couldn't choose: Click It Or Ticket, people! See what happens when you don't wear your little sticker seat belts?

A Family of Butt Sniffers

No humans here.  Just one very curious dog.

A Family Of Embarrassed Grandsons

Dear Grandma Joyce,

We are never riding in your car again. Ever.

Sincerely,
Your Boys

A Family With A Mismatched Cat

So there's a dad, a mom, a couple daughters, a (confused) dog, a cat, and ... another, fatter, whisker-y cat?  I'm pretty sure it would have been fine with Fluffy if you didn't include him in the sticker family.  Because now he looks like a chubby little afterthought.

A Family Of Jugglers

The family who juggles balls, bats and golf clubs together...look like tools on the back of a car together?

A Family Of Talented Sons

So, let me get this straight.  Dad is either nine years old, or is so fashionably challenged that he wears enormous pants, no shirt and a sideways ballcap.  Mom is Peppermint Patty from the Peanuts comic strip (ugh, that hair!).  The first son is a rock star.  The second son is a baseball star (there's that pesky sideways ballcap again).  The third son is a cowboy WITH A $@&#ING GUN (Really, Mom? A gun?).  And the daughter has no discernible talent whatsoever. Yes? Okay, as long as we're clear.

A Family I Want To Punch In The Face

Virtually everything about this upsets me. But if you want me to list my specific issues: Jesse is wearing sweatpants and has some kind of detached rubbery arm, Ashton is like 10 years old being swung around by his parents (and I think he also might be farting), and Brandy has cartoon chicken legs. Oh, and THEY LISTED THEIR $@&#ING NAMES ON HERE.

A Family Who Needs A Disney Intervention

I mean, if you honestly put Mickey Mouse ears on your pets, I am calling the ASPCA on you.  And to the Dad of this family: I want you to know how disappointed I am in you for not putting a stop to this before all that craziness on the right side happened. Seriously? Walt Disney himself would be embarrassed by this train wreck.

A Family That Haunts My Dreams

Having six daughters and driving a minivan? This is literally my worst nightmare in sticker form.

A Family Who Needs A Good Ophthalmologist

Soooo...I'm not hurting for snarky things to say about their huge circle heads, or their variety of weird hats, or their daughter doing a beauty queen wave, or even their Plymouth minivan...but I just can't get past the fact that not a single one of them has eyes. They have a freaking wagon sticker, but eyes were apparently too much.

A Family of Celebrities

Dad has a Ferris Bueller haircut. Pretty sure that's the mom from Home Improvement. Their son may or may not be Bart Simpson. And their third daughter is some kind of rosy-cheeked, straight-haired Little Orphan Annie. And quit staring at me with those freaky dot eyes!

A Family With Jazz Hands

Feeleys with jazz hands!  Feeleys with terrible haircuts! Dancing Feeleys!  Feeleys who look like Snow White's dwarves! Waving Feeleys!   ...I feel like a showtune should be playing when I look at this.

A Family Of One

I'm not sure what disturbs me more about this one... That a single guy actually bought this and put it on his car, or that he wants everyone to know that he prefers golf over any form of companionship.