A Family Who Needs A Good Ophthalmologist (Part II)

Okay...deep breath......and.............go:

Dad: Why are you wearing a shirt and no pants? Why are you giving us the "aloha" hand sign? And where the hell is your second eye?

Mom: Why are you staring at me with the eyes of a Chucky doll?  And why do you have the mouth of Kool-Aid Man (yes, that is his official name, says Wikipedia...whatever credit that is good for)?  I'm expecting you to bust through a brick wall any second and yell, "Oh yeah!"  And the thing we all really want to know is: where in the world are your shopping bags?

Daughter: Why is your hair the pure definition of bonkers?  And why are you squinting?  I have the distinct feeling that you could use a little pair of sticker sunglasses. Not that they would fit on your head around that unforgivable hair.

Son #1: Besides not wearing a shirt and missing a piece of your face, I am choosing to leave you alone.

Son #2: Where is your shirt? Why are you sticking your tongue out at us?  And, for the second time in this family, I have to ask: where the crap are your eyes??!


Dear Family,

As there are serious ophthalmological issues evident here, I have typed up a list of several top-notch specialists for you.  If you ever see this and find me, I will be happy to pass it along for the nominal fee of removing this offensive eyesore from the back of your car.

Sincerely,
Carrie

A Family of Birds

This is what happens when Scuttle from The Little Mermaid and the Aflac duck have babies all over your rear windshield.

A Family With A Kid I Feel Bad For

My fiery hatred for Disney stickers aside, this family leaves me concerned.  

Did they think we wouldn't notice that they have two moms?  I hate to go down the polygamy road again so soon (since we just visited it in A Family of Polygamists), but where else could my mind go?  

And is she a Soccer Mom, or a mom who plays soccer?  

And why do only three of the five pets of this (blended?) family like Disney?  

And who else feels bad for this (gender undetermined) kid?  One dad, two moms, four cats and a dog? What the hell is that about?

A Family Where Sticker Gloves Are Good For Something

Hey Mom...There's bird $h*t flying over your head.

Actually, don't worry about it.  Your sticker son is going to catch it in his sticker glove.  But you were prepared anyway, with your sticker sunglasses, your sassy sticker dress and your little sticker purse to head right back to the mall and re-outfit your little sticker self.

Because all sticker moms do is shop. And that is a fact.

A Family With A Heart

We all know it takes heart to adopt a pet, especially a disabled pet.  Then to adopt not one, but TWO three-legged dogs basically makes these people saints to the canine world.  Especially when you consider the extra care these animals must require since their third legs are actually enormous tumors protruding down from their necks.

I can't be sure, but I think a trip to the vet might be in order here.

A Family Who Got Lazy

What do you do when you get divorced, but you've got a sticker family on your car? You just scratch Dad off the windshield, of course.

What do you do when you get tired of scratching Dad off the windshield and feel the need to stop when you're halfway done? ...Eh, just leave it.  The rest of it will come off this winter when you're using the ice scraper on  your frozen Ohio windows. No biggie.

A Family Who's Out Of Order

I have some questions for this sticker manufacturer:

1. Is that leash a separate sticker, or does it come with the dog?

2.  Why do you make some dog stickers that are (comparatively) cute, and others that looks like emaciated, rabid, confused mutts that no one would ever keep as a pet?  (Side question for Single Mom: Why would you ever buy said terrible dog stickers?)

3. Why do you make stickers of grown women with their midriff showing? This is not the movie Clueless or the year 1994.

4.  Was the parrot honestly requested so frequently that you  had to make a sticker for it?  I know no one who owns a bird.

I also have one question/comment for Single Mom:

1. Why do you play favorites?  Because from what I see here, this is the list of things you value in life:

a) Your parrot

b) Your dog who misbehaves so frequently that even in sticker life he is on a tight leash

c) Your daughter (WHO IS NOT A &#@$ING PRINCESS)

d) Your first mangy mutt

e) Your second mangy mutt

I'll keep all my snarky guesses as to why you're a single mom to myself, but I will kindly suggest that it may be time to reexamine the order of your stickers.

A Family Who Took It Too Far (Twice)

Okay, we get it...you want to make a cat lady joke. Har har.

But I refuse to believe that any woman has either thirteen (top) or fifteen (bottom) cats all by herself.  Or rather, there are three reasons why I refuse to believe that either of these cars is actually owned by a woman who has thirteen or fifteen cats.

First, this is not a fact she would want to advertise (I hope).

Second, we have all seen an episode or two of Hoarders or another show documenting people who collect books or ketchup bottles or (God forbid) live animals.  And crazies like that are not nearly organized enough to purchase this many stickers and not lose them among a pile of antique saucepans and Duran Duran cassette tapes.  I mean, if she seriously had thirteen cats (one of whom resided on top of her head), she is never going to the store.  She gets pallets of kitty litter delivered straight to her home.  Which brings me to my final point...

Third, it's unlikely that she has a car, especially not a car that is relatively clean and where there is nary a bag of cat treats or a diamond-studded collar to be seen.

You took it too far, Family.   Had you kept it at ten cats or under and maybe thrown another human in there, you might have had us.  But as it is, your joke was a major fail.