A Family of Stormies

I intended to look a couple things up on the Internet about whether there is such a thing as a female Stormtrooper so I could make fun of those stupid bows, but instead I discovered two of the funniest Wiki pages ever.

First was Wookieepedia: The Star Wars Wiki, which has a staggering 98,000 pages on it.  I'm going to be honest...I was way too lazy and frankly uninterested to read the super long article about the history of Stormtroopers.  I did, however, catch one sentence that said that members of the Rebel Alliance SpecForce (whatever that is) use slang terms for Stormtroopers, such as "Bucket Heads" and "Stormies". And then I laughed.

The other website was Villains Wiki. The site says this about the "Stormies": 

• They are noted for having poor aim. Despite their professional military training and noticeable combat effectiveness against less important characters, they are incapable of seriously injuring or even hitting the main protagonists. They also appear unrealistically vulnerable despite their armor, falling down, apparently dead, from a single shot to the shoulder or abdomen. 

I'm no Star Wars expert, but that sounds about right. Let's get real -- if any of them were a remotely good shot, Darth would have been running that show with no problem.  The ratio of Stormies to Luke Skywalkers was approximately four billion to one, yet somehow they dropped like flies at the mere sight of Mark Hamill.

So why would someone want to portray themself, their spouse and their children as nerdy villains with poor military training and plastic heads, you ask?  Great question, fellow sticker family hater. I have no idea.

A Family of Giant Money-Wasters

I don't remember someone hiring me to draw stick people with my left hand that would then be manufactured and sold as car accessories, but apparently that happened at some point.  I'll be getting tested for short-term memory loss at my next doctor's appointment.

Speaking of doctors... Dad, your body is made of a giant red tie.  Might want to get that checked out.

If we use typical sticker family logic on this one and the order goes Mom, Dad, Daughter #1, Daughter #2, then someone needs to tell me immediately why Daughter #2 is drinking a martini.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to point out that these are THE MOST GIANT STICKERS EVER.  Or that THEY ARE ON THE BACK OF A FRIGGIN ESCALADE.  So basically these people spent like $70,000 on a car and immediately covered up 40% of their back window with what I am comfortable calling the most hideous stickers in existence.  If they have extra money laying around that they're looking to waste, I need a new couch...

A Family And Why I'm Single

This is why I'm 28 and single.  

Because every guy my age is one of the following:

• Married
• Divorced with a crazy ex-wife
• The father to a couple illegitimate kids
• The father to a couple legitimate kids with the crazy ex-wife
• Living in his parents' basement
• The kind of guy who is nice, has a good job and is possibly even handsome, but wants to put stickers of a bride, a groom and seven pets on the back of his Acura

It also may or may not be because I am way too picky, and I hate it when people touch my stuff or bother me on weekends.

A Family And A Grumpy Husband

I do not condone domestic violence at all.  However, if my spouse put a sticker family on our car and chose to represent me with Grumpy the dwarf, I may or may not punch her in the sticker apron.  Or face.  Whichever.  But then I guess I'd just be proving her right about being a little cantankerous, eh?  It's really a lose-lose.

Also, did you know there is a car wash on virtually every corner in this country?  I swear! They even put them at gas stations now! You should check into that.

A Family Who Could've Been A Little More Clear

Something about this just isn't adding up for me.

If I go from left to right and follow typical sticker family logic, this is the best I can come up with:

• The french horn player is married to the nurse
• The chemist is a single dad to a tiny shopper daughter
• The airplane pilot is married to a mom with no interests, and they are parents to fraternal girl and boy twins
• The military member is married to a woman who likes to dance or run (not sure what that pose is)
• The chef is married to another interest-less mom, and they have a son who likes to shoot guns in backwards hats

Things this family could have been a little more clear about:

1. Since thirteen people can't fit in one minivan at the same time, whose car is this?  I can only assume it belongs to the french horn player, since he comes first.
2. It would have been really helpful if they separated out the families a little. Unless all of these people live together, Full House style. In which case I'm going to need to know which one Uncle Jesse is immediately.
3. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that the kid on the right isn't actually holding a gun.  But if you can find a french horn sticker, I think  you can find an activity sticker for a kid that doesn't look so much like a gun.

A Family And A Family Guy Reference

Have you ever seen the episode of Family Guy where they do a cutaway to an episode of a nature show called Damn Nature! You Scary!?  No?  Well, if you're so inclined, you can watch it here.

The reason I bring this up is because when I saw this sticker family, with it's sassy little Sticker Mom, sweet little Sticker Daughters, and seemingly well-behaved little Sticker Pets, all I could think to say was, DAMN STICKER DAD! YOU SCARY!

A Family Who Took Sadness International

 

Fair warning: This post might make you sad.

This photo was taken for me by the sister of one of my best friends, who spends part of each year in Switzerland.  And you can easily tell I'm not lying about this once you note the size and shape of the license plate. I know...I was hoping it was fake, too.

Reasons I'm sad:

1. It's now official.  People the world over have embraced this misguided trend.

2. I thought it was just stupid Americans who thought it was okay to put the names of their family members on the back of their cars.  But alas, no. Coming from someone who has had her identity stolen, YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

3. The kid on the far right either has a pointy goatee or his tongue sticking out, which instantly makes these people cooler than any American sticker family I have ever seen. We just can't keep up. Sigh.

4. I've never been to Europe.  Unrelated, yes, but it still makes me sad.