A Family With Wonder Woman At The Helm (Twice)

Is that a cape you're wearing, Mom?  And are those magic bracelets, a la Wonder Woman?  Well, I wouldn't be very snarky if I didn't have something to say about that.

I just did some thorough research on the subject (and by "thorough research" I mean I googled a couple things about Wonder Woman), and thanks to Wikipedia and a few Wonder Nerds on other websites, I now have all the comedy material I need for this post.

Wikipedia lists Wonder Woman's abilities as the following:

• Superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance
• Flight (only after 1960)
• Superior hand-to-hand combatant
• Empathy
• Healing factor
• Resistance to Magic
• Access to Magical Weaponry such as Lasso of Truth and indestructible bracelets

So, here is my list of how I can deduce from the stickers that Wonder Mother uses said abilities:

• She obviously needs the superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance to keep up with her football star son and her football coach husband. They are clearly superstar athletes not to be contended with.
• What mother doesn't need to fly?  There are football practices to be on time for, and casseroles to be made!!! Thank God it's after 1960 so this ability is applicable to modern Wonder Mothers.
• I can only assume her superior hand-to-hand combat skills are used to put school bus bullies in their place.
• As for empathy... I am going to agree with this one.  All mothers need (and most put to use) a superhero's ability to empathize with their children.
• Friendly suggestion: You need to use the Healing Factor on your scrawny, dirty dog.
• Resistance to Magic, clearly, is used to ward off unwanted spells from other Wonder Mothers.
• Well, thank God she has access to Magical Weaponry, because who knows where Wonder Family would be without that.  But the Lasso of Truth sounds like something I got spanked with when I was little.  I have to admit, though, that indestructible bracelets do sound pretty handy...

{It's important for me to note before I go any further that my mother was a stay-at-home mom while I was growing up, so I'll be the first to tell you that it is an actual job.  Between school stuff, having generally difficult personalities, and requiring her constant attention for a wide array of other demanding activities, my siblings and I were total pains in the ass. To stay-at-home moms: I think what you do is admirable, and you're making the life/lives of your child(ren) way more awesome by raising them yourself.  I do not, however, think you have superhuman agility or superior hand-to-hand combat skills because of it. Sorry.}

Alright, hold on tight people, because this next part is about to blow your minds.  After looking at several pages of images of Wonder Woman, I realized that none of them showed her in a cape, the way Wonder Mother portrays herself. So I googled the phrase, "Does Wonder Woman wear a cape?".  And here is what I got from a user named rorschachvigilante on Yahoo!Answers:

• Wonder Woman wears a cape during Royal events on home island of Themyscaria, as she is the Amazon Princess Diana. She also wears one during very important events in the United States. In the Elseworlds graphic novel, Kingdom Come, she wore a cape, helmet, and body armor, along with a magical sword, during an important battle. (Also, this magical sword can cut Superman.)  Ordinarily, she doesn't wear a cape, BUT, during special events and battles, she will.

I'll admit I didn't do any extra research to back up rorschachvigilante's claims, but let's be honest here - anyone who takes the time to answer something that thoroughly and readily knows (and can spell) the name of Wonder Woman's home island probably has some street cred in the world of comic book nerds.

So, if Wonder Woman only wears a cape during special events and battles, does that make Wonder Mother's daily life a battle?  If so, football practice and casseroles must be a bitch nowadays.  Or is she just constantly attending "Royal events" on her home island of Themyscaria as Amazon Princess Diana? I hope it's the latter. That sounds like the life.

Well, Wonder Mother, I think you may be overestimating your life duties just a smidge.  Oh, and:

1. Your husband looks like a child.  (What is with all the pervy moms and their child-like husbands?)

2. You son's haircut looks like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy (which, in my snarky little world, is kind of a compliment since I consider that one of the funniest movies ever made -- but trust that I don't mean it as a compliment).

3. YOUR DAUGHTER IS NOT A PRINCESS.

4. How do you think your non-princess daughter feels, standing next to a princess in her little sundress, all crown-less and everything?  You're mean.

5. Feed and bathe your damn dog.

We've got another Wonder Mother here!  Since I've already bored you (and myself) with detailed and wordy facts about Wonder Woman, I'll simply give you my list of how I can deduce from these stickers that she uses her superpowers:

• This Wonder Mother needs her superhuman strength, speed, agility, and endurance to chase around her five active kids, especially little Karate Kid Daniel Son over there.  Use that superhuman agility to keep that kid in check!
• Another use for her superhuman strength is to care for what appears to be the Galapagos Tortoise that they are keeping as a pet.
• Well, with a friggin bird as another pet, I'm sure flying is something she has to do regularly to catch that thing and clean up all the weird places it poops.
• That daughter looks like she might be a teenager, and if she is anything like I was as a teen, Wonder Mother's hand-to-hand combat skills are probably used on a regular basis.
• I think this Wonder Mother's power of Healing Factor is a little off...looks like the bunny bit the dust (if that is supposed to be a sticker halo?).
• Resistance to Magic must be to ward off the unwanted advances from her weird-looking (but, thankfully, age appropriate) husband.  Short sleeves with a tie? Come on. Is he Michael Bolton on Office Space?
• I think the Magical Weaponry needs to be put to work to give Lacrosse Kid (gender undetermined) a haircut.  It looks like it would take some magic to fix those crazy bangs.

*PLEASE NOTE HERE THAT I DON'T KNOW THE PROTOCOL FOR CITING SOMETHING ON A BLOG, IF THERE IS ANY, SO I HAVE ALREADY TOLD YOU ABOVE IF I GOT INFORMATION FROM ANOTHER WEBSITE. SO DEAL WITH IT.

A Family Lacking Supervision

I think this pair of confused dogs wants to know the same things I do: Is your kid holding a $#@&ing beer?!  And is your other kid one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

The lack of parental supervision (both in sticker life and real life) is pretty apparent here.

A Family From Hollywood

Good news, movie buffs!  They now make stickers for obscure movie characters from the 1980s (as evidenced by Beetlejuice with the shrunken head on the far right...who can apparently also palm a basketball with a stick arm and no fingers)!

A Family Who's Doing It Wrong

I mean, I'm not like an expert at sticker families or anything, but........wait.  Yes I am.

And since I am so qualified, I can say to this family without a doubt that when it came to applying these stickers...you're doing it wrong.

A Family That's...My Family?

When my friend sent this photo to me, I was momentarily concerned that she had time-warped back to 1993 and found my mother's minivan. Two parents and three kids represented by characters from the original Super Mario Bros. Nintendo game (one of four games my family owned on the first and only gaming system we ever had)? But then I realized the minivan wasn't shaped like a giant cardboard box and wasn't a deep, flat shade of maroon.  So I began breathing again.

First of all, hell yes Princess Peach comes first in the order of this family.  She was my little pixelated 1990s BFF.  Any girl who ever played that game and says she didn't wish she had that awesome pink princess dress is a damn liar.

And even though it sucked to play as him, who else feels bad for Luigi? Since I was the youngest of the three kids in my family, I was always Luigi. I hated those stupid green overalls. Mario is so much cooler.  There is basically no use in even saving Princess Peach if you're playing as Luigi.  She is in love with Mario.  Obviously.

So although I have to say that the people in this family are inherent tools for putting a sticker family on their car, this one brought me to a state of pleasant nostalgia so I don't hate them very much.  But I do want Mario to jump onto one of the mushroom kids and grow into that adult-like, taller version of Mario so he is as least a size that is comparable to his regal, princess wife.

A Family With Short Man Syndrome

Well, Dad...it's clear you want to be the center of attention here.  So let's just get right to the reasons why I would like to punch you in the trachea:

1. Isn't part of the reason that a man wants to be a bodybuilder because he wants the rest of the world to think he's a badass? Because any badass points you may earn by being a bodybuilder (which are basically nil to begin with) are completely lost (and then some) by having these stickers on any car your family owns. In badass points, you are in the red, my friend.

2. That early '90s hairstyle. You look like Vanilla Ice.  Or DJ Jazzy Jeff.

3. Your hands that are made of play dough.

4. The fact that you dress your sticker kid in a sticker Superman shirt. Between your sticker six-pack and his superhero attire, this leads me to believe that you both have confidence issues that you're overcompensating for. Do I smell a little Short Man Syndrome in this family? 

5. The way that you may as well have just left your wife's and dog's stickers off the car altogether. If you were at a store that sold stickers as detailed as a bodybuilder dad and a superman-shirt-wearing son, you could have come up with something better than a boring, nondescript mom and dog.  Dick.

The good news for you, jerk Dad, is that these sticker families are getting more and more complex and detailed every day.  So, sooner or later, I'm sure someone will make a steroid needle sticker accessory to go along with that sweet sticker of your awesome body. Make sure to keep your boring wife on the lookout for it.