Welcome to Castle Wasowski...where the giant smiling sun from the Raisin Bran box is always shining, where Dad might be some kind of architect and Mom has hideous hair.
Castle Wasowski, where Dad and Mom, like so many other parents, are confusing their eldest daughter, Jane, for an actual princess. (Though I will admit that Jane has the best princess outfit I have seen thus far.)
Aaaaaah, Castle Wasowski, where Julie and her rubber ducky never get out of the tub (cleanest kid ever?!). Where Mom and Dad throw caution to the wind and, instead of using a modern stroller focused on child safety, push Lily around in a bassinet on wheels. Castle Wasowski, a place where Denim protects everyone from strangers at the front door.
Oh, Castle Wasowski, where............Fielder is dead.
ALTERNATE CAPTION:
This is wrong. Something is wrong. That dad is not Mike Wasowski!! THIS is Mike Wasowski:
A friend of mine recently moved into a new house. I went to visit, only to find this little gem on the window next to the front door. So of course my first move was to kneel down and capture my next blog victim.
I guess it's not enough anymore to advertise to everyone who drives behind you that you're a single mom with a daughter and two dogs. Now, you need every Girl Scout, Jehovah's Witness, UPS driver, and neighbor asking for a cup of sugar to know it, too.
Also, this sticker says to me, "I am a single mom who works full time and probably also has to take my daughter to her 16 extracurricular activities on evenings and weekends. And then I come home and probably stress about paying my bills and saving for her college fund, so I take Ambien to sleep. Are you looking for a house to rob? Pick me!!!!"
Note: My friend told me (and I confirmed) that sticker families are very hard to get off of glass. It definitely requires a razor blade. So if you are considering one of these, I suggest you confirm that your marriage and all pictured hobbies are committed to and solid before making the purchase.
A dad with a gut, drinking a beer and grilling a steak. I imagine him going to his thankless job every day, clad in a short-sleeved dress shirt and a paisley tie, mindlessly punching numbers into a computer, occasionally visiting the water cooler, eating a ham sandwich on wheat bread for lunch and counting down the minutes until 5:00.
A mom with a laptop and a cell phone. She's so mentally checked out of her marriage that she needs two constant electronic distractions at all times. She spends most of the family's discretionary income on tight skirts, champagne brunches and cellular data plans, so all of Dad's beer and steaks (and her car stickers) go on credit cards. In fact, they just made the payment on their SUV using a payday loan with a 750% interest rate. She is desperate to be the cool mom who is hip to technology. Case in point: she recently signed up for facebook (using a photo from 14 years ago), twitter (she doesn't understand the character limit so she keeps posting incomplete rants about aisle changes at the grocery store), foursquare (she just earned mayorship at the nail salon), pinterest (she recently started a pinboard of all the Valentine's Day crafts she wants to make) and instagram ("Did I drink this whole bottle of wine?! Whoopsie!"), and yesterday she started sending nude photos to random numbers via snapchat. (Also, she is wearing Minnie Mouse shoes, but I couldn't find a way to weave that into her story, so you readers can just do what you want to with that observation.)
Two daughters, both wearing outfits of questionable appropriateness. One in a midriff-baring tanktop and the other in a dress hardly covering her ass. Dad doesn't want either of them to leave the house like that, but knows he will lose the battle when Mom starts screaming things at him about tampons and not understanding teenage trends. So he drowns himself in more beer and steaks, rather than have one more fight. Mom spends 93% of her day on the internet in one form or another, both girls spend every night shut in their rooms texting on their iPhones, and Dad wishes he could afford something better than Bud Light.
It's the American dream..................right?
Stop the presses! While in a Kroger parking lot, I found her!
She is not a mom who drives around little soccer players in this minivan...she is literally a mom who plays soccer!!! Get it, Goalie Mom!
Regardless of who you voted for this past week, I think the one thing we can all agree on is this: THANK GOD that election is over! Coming from a person whose main hobby is snark, if I saw one more freaking snarky political TV commercial I was going to lose it. And if you contributed any money to the campaigns of either of the candidates, you ought to be pissed. I think 2/3 of their money went into sending mail to Ohioans...and every piece I got from both sides went straight from my mailbox to my trash can. Valuable lesson of the day: There are useful, productive ways to spend your money and giving it to politicians is not one of them.
Anyway...as the proud "straight wife" (as he calls me) to my own "gay husband", I like that at the end of the day, these guys have the freedom to put a gay sticker family on their car, just the same as I have the freedom to blog about it, and you have the freedom to think whatever you want about it, as well.
Here's the great thing about America: Your right to dislike this sticker family can coexist with their right to have it. The fact that everyone is different is what makes us awesome.
So rather than hating or loving this sticker family, let's all just take one second and be happy that we all have freedom to think, write, say and do what we want. When it's all said and done, America is a badass place to live. There are civil ways to disagree about stuff without all the hate; you can believe your thing without disrespecting someone else's thing. The louder you shout, the less people hear you. Second valuable lesson of the day: History clearly shows us that anger fixes nothing, but everyone doing their part to look past differences and work together is a solid start.
Whoops...I just got serious. Eeeeek! Sorry, back to being snarky.
No one should have to endure my snark once, let alone twice. But to their misfortune, I was recently reunited with the Feeley Family (or as it looks now, the E Family). If you don't remember the Feeleys, you can quickly check back to the first time I spotted them in "A Family With Jazz Hands" here. Columbus, Ohio is no NYC, but it's big enough that the odds of a sticker family blogger ending up behind the same vehicle with a weird sticker family more than once have to be pretty low.
I'm happy to see that the Feeleys didn't stop dancing and that those sassy jazz hands are still intact! I said this the first time but I'm thinking it again...anyone else hear a showtune playing in the background?
Wait...you wouldn't happen to want me to spay/neuter my pet, or adopt a pet, or take in a rescue pet, or visit www.petfinder.com would you??? Because I'm having a really hard time figuring out what the main interest in your life is.
I bet all you readers got lost in the haze of bumper stickers and didn't even see lonely little Fluffy up there in the top right corner, did you? I have to admit, I am let down by these people... I mean, if I ever expected a TRUE cat lady sticker family, it would be on this car. But the driver of this Animal Rescue Transport Vehicle has surprised me by (supposedly) only having one cat. I guess you can't judge a person's crazy pet-owning tendencies by their cat license plate or their million bumper stickers or the back of their crazy car.
NOTE: My mom has been a big contributor of pictures to this blog (it's heartwarming when your parents fully get behind all your snarky endeavors). But I think she needs special recognition for this one, since she ninja-ed (yes, ninja is a verb) up her neighbor's driveway to get a picture of this car in their garage. Truly sneaky!
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