A Family And A First

Stop the presses!  While in a Kroger parking lot, I found her!

She is not a mom who drives around little soccer players in this minivan...she is literally a mom who plays soccer!!!  Get it, Goalie Mom!

A Family And...Whoops, I Got Serious

Regardless of who you voted for this past week, I think the one thing we can all agree on is this: THANK GOD that election is over! Coming from a person whose main hobby is snark, if I saw one more freaking snarky political TV commercial I was going to lose it.  And if you contributed any money to the campaigns of either of the candidates, you ought to be pissed. I think 2/3 of their money went into sending mail to Ohioans...and every piece I got from both sides went straight from my mailbox to my trash can. Valuable lesson of the day: There are useful, productive ways to spend your money and giving it to politicians is not one of them.

Anyway...as the proud "straight wife" (as he calls me) to my own "gay husband", I like that at the end of the day, these guys have the freedom to put a gay sticker family on their car, just the same as I have the freedom to blog about it, and you have the freedom to think whatever you want about it, as well.

Here's the great thing about America: Your right to dislike this sticker family can coexist with their right to have it. The fact that everyone is different is what makes us awesome.

So rather than hating or loving this sticker family, let's all just take one second and be happy that we all have freedom to think, write, say and do what we want. When it's all said and done, America is a badass place to live. There are civil ways to disagree about stuff without all the hate; you can believe your thing without disrespecting someone else's thing.  The louder you shout, the less people hear you.  Second valuable lesson of the day: History clearly shows us that anger fixes nothing, but everyone doing their part to look past differences and work together is a solid start.

Whoops...I just got serious. Eeeeek! Sorry, back to being snarky.

A Family I Was Reunited With

No one should have to endure my snark once, let alone twice.  But to their misfortune, I was recently reunited with the Feeley Family (or as it looks now, the E Family).  If you don't remember the Feeleys, you can quickly check back to the first time I spotted them in "A Family With Jazz Hands" here.  Columbus, Ohio is no NYC, but it's big enough that the odds of a sticker family blogger ending up behind the same vehicle with a weird sticker family more than once have to be pretty low.

I'm happy to see that the Feeleys didn't stop dancing and that those sassy jazz hands are still intact!  I said this the first time but I'm thinking it again...anyone else hear a showtune playing in the background?

A Family Who Let Me Down

Wait...you wouldn't happen to want me to spay/neuter my pet, or adopt a pet, or take in a rescue pet, or visit www.petfinder.com would you???  Because I'm having a really hard time figuring out what the main interest in your life is.

I bet all you readers got lost in the haze of bumper stickers and didn't even see lonely little Fluffy up there in the top right corner, did you?  I have to admit, I am let down by these people... I mean, if I ever expected a TRUE cat lady sticker family, it would be on this car.  But the driver of this Animal Rescue Transport Vehicle has surprised me by (supposedly) only having one cat.  I guess you can't judge a person's crazy pet-owning tendencies by their cat license plate or their million bumper stickers or the back of their crazy car.

NOTE: My mom has been a big contributor of pictures to this blog (it's heartwarming when your parents fully get behind all your snarky endeavors). But I think she needs special recognition for this one, since she ninja-ed (yes, ninja is a verb) up her neighbor's driveway to get a picture of this car in their garage. Truly sneaky!

A Family of Stormies

I intended to look a couple things up on the Internet about whether there is such a thing as a female Stormtrooper so I could make fun of those stupid bows, but instead I discovered two of the funniest Wiki pages ever.

First was Wookieepedia: The Star Wars Wiki, which has a staggering 98,000 pages on it.  I'm going to be honest...I was way too lazy and frankly uninterested to read the super long article about the history of Stormtroopers.  I did, however, catch one sentence that said that members of the Rebel Alliance SpecForce (whatever that is) use slang terms for Stormtroopers, such as "Bucket Heads" and "Stormies". And then I laughed.

The other website was Villains Wiki. The site says this about the "Stormies": 

• They are noted for having poor aim. Despite their professional military training and noticeable combat effectiveness against less important characters, they are incapable of seriously injuring or even hitting the main protagonists. They also appear unrealistically vulnerable despite their armor, falling down, apparently dead, from a single shot to the shoulder or abdomen. 

I'm no Star Wars expert, but that sounds about right. Let's get real -- if any of them were a remotely good shot, Darth would have been running that show with no problem.  The ratio of Stormies to Luke Skywalkers was approximately four billion to one, yet somehow they dropped like flies at the mere sight of Mark Hamill.

So why would someone want to portray themself, their spouse and their children as nerdy villains with poor military training and plastic heads, you ask?  Great question, fellow sticker family hater. I have no idea.

A Family of Giant Money-Wasters

I don't remember someone hiring me to draw stick people with my left hand that would then be manufactured and sold as car accessories, but apparently that happened at some point.  I'll be getting tested for short-term memory loss at my next doctor's appointment.

Speaking of doctors... Dad, your body is made of a giant red tie.  Might want to get that checked out.

If we use typical sticker family logic on this one and the order goes Mom, Dad, Daughter #1, Daughter #2, then someone needs to tell me immediately why Daughter #2 is drinking a martini.

Don't worry, I haven't forgotten to point out that these are THE MOST GIANT STICKERS EVER.  Or that THEY ARE ON THE BACK OF A FRIGGIN ESCALADE.  So basically these people spent like $70,000 on a car and immediately covered up 40% of their back window with what I am comfortable calling the most hideous stickers in existence.  If they have extra money laying around that they're looking to waste, I need a new couch...

A Family And Why I'm Single

This is why I'm 28 and single.  

Because every guy my age is one of the following:

• Married
• Divorced with a crazy ex-wife
• The father to a couple illegitimate kids
• The father to a couple legitimate kids with the crazy ex-wife
• Living in his parents' basement
• The kind of guy who is nice, has a good job and is possibly even handsome, but wants to put stickers of a bride, a groom and seven pets on the back of his Acura

It also may or may not be because I am way too picky, and I hate it when people touch my stuff or bother me on weekends.