A Family And A Murderer

It's not exactly a sticker family; it's not exactly even stickers.  It looks like that white medical tape you use to wrap around popsicle sticks when you break your finger, cut into shapes.  If you look closely at the wheels and head on the bicyclist, it looks like a preschooler cut them out with blunt-tipped scissors. This person actually put a legitimate amount of work into looking like a psycho murderer.


Dear Minivan Owner,

So what you would like us to know is that you regularly take out bicyclists and handicapped people with your minivan?  You just run them over?  That's cool.  Yeah, it's totally normal to kill people with your giant car who happen to be riding smaller means of transportation or are disabled. Blatant advertisements of vehicular manslaughter are totally normal.

Also, we can all still see that the bottom one was a handicapped person, even though you clearly got your fill of murdering them after a mere three kills. Do you park in their parking spots, too, ya jerk?

Might I suggest a few rounds of intensive shock therapy or walking into oncoming traffic (perhaps a fleet of minivans?) to cure your hatred of bicycles, wheelchairs, and their owners/riders?

xo
Carrie

A Family Of Ninjas

If there were ever a sticker family to fear, this is the one.  Six ninjas?  I'm almost scared to make fun of them behind the anonymous cybersafety of my computer.  Almost.

I want to know what they are plotting.  Obviously it is something ultra-stealthy.  I mean look at those eyes.  There must be something really sketchy happening to the right of this family’s line of sight.  They are about to jump right off that windshield and mess some stuff up.  Take matters into their own little ninja hands.  Do some gymnastics trickery and maybe an assassination or four.  You know, standard ninja stuff.

If you want to show the world you're raising your kids to be sneaky little badasses, I guess ninja stickers would be the way to go.  Just drive this minivan slowly past the playground giving the bullies this furtive ninja look and I guarantee no one will take your kid's juice box.  Take that, world.

A Family And A Fu Manchu

When you have the time to sit here and look at it discerningly, of course you can tell where they are going with this…Dad works for AEP or the cable company or something, and he climbs telephone poles, messes with wires, etc.  But at a glance, or if you're quickly driving by this person, it could just as easily be seen as a Fu Manchu/goatee hybrid-sporting, spiky-haired male stripper sliding down a pole in a butt harness.  Am I right??!

And I know this is going to surprise you so go ahead and take a seat………..………Mom went shopping.

A Family And An Advertisement (Thrice)

If you have something you want to say to the world, what better way than on the back of your car?  It’s even better than buying a radio or TV ad that people can switch on and off willy nilly – it goes everywhere you go, and it’s like mandatory reading for anyone who happens to drive behind you. They can’t escape it.  So when you happen to be looking for a something (or someone), why waste your money on old-fashioned advertising?  Take a lesson from these folks and just use your rear windshield.

The first one appears to be looking for a new dad.  Two kids and one pet…doesn’t look like too much for a stepdad to take on.  Seems pretty standard in the scheme of today’s blended families.  The second one is seeking a new mom.  Three kids (who looks like they are either teenagers or about to be teenagers) and a dog…that is a lot more demanding than the first one.  Give me a toddler over a teenager any day of the week.  Yikes.

But that third one...if I'm not mistaken, that is an advertisement for an entire set of new parents.  And if that is the case, is the little girl driving?  Maybe she is steering and the dog is pushing the pedals?  Or do the parents hate their lives so much that they are taking applications for their own replacements?  Not sure how I really feel about any of those scenarios...

A Family...Or Are They?

I'll be honest.  I'm trying to come up with material, but I can't figure out the family dynamic here.

Two adult women and one adult man.  Are any of them married?  Maybe a little polygamy?  Or he has two girlfriends? Or one wife and a mistress? Or are they a brother and two sisters?

Who exactly is working in this family?  Who pays for the craft supplies and the fishing trips and the beach vacations?  Or the car? Or the stickers? Or the dogs?

And what in God's name is going on with the crafter's hair?  I feel like of these three people, she was probably most likely the purchaser of the stickers so she should have ended up with the best hair and accessories, right?

Hey family...If you are going to give us little taglines about things you like to do, you could throw us a bone and tell us what the deal is with your random adult sticker clan.

A Family And A Proud Girl Scout

I myself am a former Girl Scout, and I think there was a time when I may have even agreed with the sentiment that Girl Scouts Rock!  I went to Girl Scout Camp, I got merit badges, I sold cookies, etc.  And not the way today's Girl Scouts sell cookies, with their parents posting a Facebook status and getting like 400 orders in an hour while they sit around playing on a pink Nintendo DS. I was the little pigtailed kid who bundled up and walked door-to-door selling those delicious little boxes. Back in my day, we had to work for it!

So, before I get to the sticker family, here's a little story... One time when I was in middle school, someone from the local newspaper in my hometown wanted to do a story about different recipes that could be made using Girl Scout cookies, and they asked my mom and me to be a part of it.  I was a good kid and was pretty naive about the consequences this could have on me socially, so I agreed to help my mom with it. We gathered recipes, made some desserts, and dressed up for the article photos. Then when it was printed, my teachers hung the article up on bulletin boards and in classrooms around the school. In less than a day, both mine and my mom's eyes and teeth had been poked out with pushpins in the picture on every copy of the article, and everyone was mercilessly teasing me until I finally asked my teachers to take them down.  And that was the end of my days as a Girl Scout.

That said, there are a couple issues here:
-Mom and Dad, please stop staring at me with those I've-had-way-too-much-caffeine eyes.
-Save your kid from the teasing!  Not only do you have a sticker family on your van, but you put your daughter on there as a GIANT Girl Scout?? As soon as you drop her off for the school dance, it's over for her. Take it from me.  Save her the tears and just peel that thing off right now.
-Whose bat and ball is that?  Do they belong to your other daughter? Do you have an invisible son?
-You're breaking all kinds of rules by having only one member of your family be represented in color and with a discernible interest.  Get it together.

End Note: If you are one of the people I went to school with and remember that story I told, know that I forgive you.  You are a dick and I hope karma got you, but I forgive you.

A Family And A Dream (Times Five)

Ohio is a great state. There is at least one pro sports team within an hour's drive of most residents, we matter in elections, we gave the world Cedar Point and Great Lakes Christmas Ale, we have produced more US Presidents than any other state (yeah, yeah...I know the Ohio/Virginia debate here...it's Ohio), we are home to both the Pro Football and the Rock & Roll Halls of Fame, we know how to throw a hell of a tailgate party, and fall weather here is damn near perfect.  

However, this time of year, some Ohioans find themselves wishing they were somewhere else. Somewhere warmer.  For all the awesome things about Ohio, it is really freaking cold here in the winter.  And some of us may get a little testy come February, since we've been stuck in a cloud dungeon for three months suffering from Seasonal Depression Disorder.  So we dream of a place with sunny skies, a place where we don't have to use every sharp tool within reach to break through the impenetrable ice forcefield on our car to drive somewhere.

And for many Ohioans, apparently that place is South Carolina.

Besides buying dumb car stickers, these five families have something in common: they are Ohio residents (I cut out license plates, so you'll have to trust me on that one) with a South Carolina emblem sticker on their car.  Maybe they have a favorite vacation spot in SC.  Maybe they have southern roots and some (sticker) grandparents there.  Or maybe they are just dreamers.

Chin up, fellow Ohioans.  Only another month until spring.  Okay, maybe two months.  Three, tops.